Day 17

Not much change today. He was not able to handle the 5 CC's yesterday so they started giving him sterile water every hour. The sterile water is supposed to stimulate his gut and does not require any effort to digest. This morning they gave him 5 CC's and let him wait 4 hours instead of the normal 3. Unfortunately, they pulled back the entire 5 CC's. The nurse said that it looks as though he was trying to digest it so they are going to try again and see what happens. I am hoping that he starts being able to digest his food so that maybe one fear will be eliminated. The timing of him not being able to digest his food not only coincides with the fortifier but also with the bleed getting worse. If he starts eating well then I can just assume that it was the fortifier and nothing else. He is up to 3 lbs 10.4ozs but since he gained so much so quickly and considering that he is not eating, the weight gain is probably fluid. When he doesn't eat they have to increase his IV fluids. The not knowing where we stand or where we are going is so hard. I wouldn't go as far as to say I am a planner but I like to have an idea of where I will be from one day to the next. I am completely out of my element being so out of control. I have very little control of my emotions and zero control of Korbin's care. I have found myself compensating in other ways some of which have been productive while others not so much. I am finding out more and more about myself with each passing day. I am being handed challenges daily that I never would have thought that I could overcome. I would not say that I am handling them well but I am trying to remind myself many times a day that God will not give me more than I can handle but I wonder just how much more I can handle. I hope that looking back I will be able to say that this made me a stronger person and a better parent but hind sight is 20/20 so right now, I wonder how I am going to make it through the day.

Sabrina