3 months old

It has been awhile since I have updated but all in all, things are going well. I am still on high alert for seizures but I don't think we are seeing any thus far. Speech therapy is going well. Well enough in fact that we will likely be done after next week. Our last Dr. visit was a little over a week ago and Korbin's weight was terrific. He weighed 7 lbs 7.5 ozs. That means he gained 19 ozs in 14 days which was 5 ozs over our goal weight! That was exciting. Of course, everyone should know by now that we can't have good news without something happening. The last visit was intended for a circumcision. Well, after the great weight gain, they began the circ but found that they could not complete it. He has what they call hypospadia which is appearantly very common. We will have to see a urologist when he is closer to a year old. Go figure huh? I couldn't help but laugh when they told me this. It only figures.

After our speech appointment on this past Friday the speech and occupational therapist did their post NICU evaluation. They said that for the most part he is doing very well. They are concerned however about the way he lifts himself. They said that it looks like he is over extending himself. Frankly, I am not quite sure what that means but they said it could be nothing but it could be from the hydrocephalus or it could be the early signs of Cerebral Palsy. We will go 1 day a week, every other week for occupational therapy (not sure what they do) and once a month for physiacal therapy.

We go back to the Neurologist on Thursday and shouldn't have to see her again for 3 months or so. We also go back to the pediatrician on Thursday. I am hoping that everything will be good enough now with his weight and everything else that we won't have to be seen again until his 4 month check up which will give me almost a month of not having to see him again.

Maybe we have encountered everything that we will encounter and can continue with our lives and start moving on and living our lives with what we have been dealt. I have found a couple excerpts that perfectly describe having a preemie that I would like to share so enjoy.

Sabrina

~*~How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his
instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he
observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
profanity.
"Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?
She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That
would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a seaof self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so
rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you.
"God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has
just the right amount of selfishness.
"The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?
"God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time,
she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised inthe air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."


WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills... .and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I wassupposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

11 Weeks

It is hard to believe that Korbin is over 2 months already! He is getting bigger everyday. We are still waiting on that first real smile though. I have found myself just begging him to smile. It is amazing how much more every little thing means with him. Not saying that they weren't great with the older 2 but I guess that smile from him will show me that he is aware of me and that will mean so much. I think that this is so important to me because of all of the "could be's" that we have been given. Maybe if he would just smile and show me that he is aware of me and who I am everything will be alright. I know that in reality that is not necessarily true but every milestone that we hit will be a relief for me.

We saw a speech therapist this week to see if Korbin is swallowing correctly. This was more to rule that out as a potential problem deterring proper weight gain. Fortunately, the therapist didn't feel that the test was needed so she just analyzed how he drank his bottle. She recommends 1-3 days of therapy per week for a short period of time. The amount of days will depend on how much I am able to do here at home. The exercises are fairly simple and are intended to strengthen his muscles in his mouth to help him drink more and tier out less easily.

I know that I was warned ahead of time that Korbin would likely need a lot more attention than some babies and that we could possibly need many services such as speech therapy, occupational therapy and even physical therapy. I knew it would be a lot but I didn't realize how much all of this would consume my life. As of right now, Korbin is being seen by a pediatrician, a neurologist, a neurosurgeon, a speech therapist and the states early intervention program. It seems like I am living in Dr's offices. I know that it is not his fault and that I should be thanking God that he is even here with us (which I do daily) but it is so much to deal with. Hopefully everything will get easier and we won't have anything else added to us anytime soon. I don't know how much more I can deal with. I know I will deal with what I have to. Having a newborn is already exhausting but with all of the appointments and constant worry, I am beyond exhausted. Everytime his leg jerks I wonder if it could be a seizure, everytime he doesn't eat well I wonder about his weight and his hydrocephalus, I find myself multiple times a day checking to make sure his soft spot isn't bulging, and to top it off, he has started this wonderful trick of spitting up large amounts and choking on it which is nerve racking to say the least. With all of my constant worrying and lack of sleep, it is a wonder I am even able to function properly.

Korbin will see his pediatrician again next week so we will see if he is where he should be with his weight. If my math is correct, he should be at least 7lbs 2ozs by his next visit so we are keeping our fingers crossed.

Sabrina