Forgive

With parenting comes huge responsibility. The task of raising, loving, caring for, teaching and molding these little people and impressionable minds to one day be productive and caring members of society. This responsibility can be nothing short of overwhelming at time and is accompanied by the fear of making a mistake. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Our parents made mistakes, their parents made mistakes and so on and so on. Parents are not perfect. They are human with what sometimes seems like a super human job.

It is my personal opinion that mothers carry most of the responsibility on their shoulders. This isn't to say that dads don't do their fair share or carry any of the responsibility. I think moms just take it more to heart and make it personal. I also believe that although other moms can be very critical of another mom's parenting style, the biggest critic around is ourselves. Before Korbin came along, I was pretty good about chalking up my mistakes as mistakes and trying really hard to learn from them. Yes, there were times that I would be a little harder on myself if there was something I really felt I should have done differently.

Suddenly life has changed. I had a child that almost died who then went on to thrive and beat all of the odds. This child and his medical needs consume our family and life. It is a constant struggle balancing it all while still giving the other children their fair share of attention and time. During this juggle, I still find myself searching for more. More therapy, more Dr.s, more treatment, something that will make this all go away and "fix" it.

This is where the real mommy guilt sets in. I know it doesn't belong and I am working hard to get through it but it has been difficult. I constantly wonder if I am doing enough for my "big kids". My oldest is struggling in school. Is that my fault? Did I not give him enough attention and time while I have been driving all over the world to Dr.s and specialists for Korbin? We have been faced with some difficult decisions regarding my oldest son as well. What if we make the wrong decision? At this point, I am certain that I will feel guilty over either decision so does it really matter? Am I doing enough for Korbin? What if I could squeeze in an extra therapy session a week? Maybe we should cut back some expenses so we could afford to pay for the extra therapy that insurance will not cover. Am I terrible if I don't choose to do that? I worry about Korbin not walking when I know I should be thankful that he is even alive and doing as well as he is. I feel that I am failing him by worrying so much about him walking instead of just enjoying him the way he is now.

So how do you do it? How do you forgive yourself? How do you eliminate that guilt or at least minimize it? I know that I can not do it all but I just can't seem to accept the fact that I am not superwoman and can only do so much. How do you accept that you really can't change the past no matter how many times you replay things in your mind? How do you stop living by "what if's?" while still being prepared for the future? How is it so easy to praise others but so difficult to praise yourself?

My ultimate goal is to do the best that I know how to do by my kids as well as teach them that it is okay to make mistakes. Ironic I guess.